Wilder at 40

Once when my life was alight and at the same time unrepentently in bloom, the following poem was born.

Written in 2018, it feels like a message in a bottle to my future - now present - self, as I approach 40 years of age on June 21st. I share it now as a benediction for my next decade, but also for you if you need it:

“The wildest mercy
by PatrickLyra Wilder

I. The answer may be to
bite off the jesses but
leave on the bell
dive into sky with no 
backward glance at whoever 
thought they owned me. 

II. They will hear 
when I’m coming
the rise and fall of
my new name a weight 
they whine holds them down 
though any aeronaut
can see their wings 
aren’t clipped
just folded 
grounded by lazy 
domestication and the
age old fear of not
just flying 
but flying alone.

I remember now:
not all birds flock.

III. I spent most of my
life on their fist
the pretty bird pretty bird
staring back at wide eyes
soft with delight
every sharp part of me
biding time to escape
and gouge with
the wildest mercy
what never saw me
to begin with.”

What’s it like to turn 40? As the poem indicates, the older I get, the more I want to fiercely slice through what widely-smiling-to-hide-a-scream mainstream never worked for my sharply beaked self. The more I wizen, the more I refuse to be snared, pulled down into that polite lacuna in which powerful peregrine cries are muted before they are heard.

This birthday I feel wilder, ever moreso thanks to learning I am someone whose brain has been beautifully shaped along the Autism Spectrum.

I guess certain special needs and glorious neurodiverse traits aren’t attributable to my being queer and transgender, or to my “artsiness” alone! Turns out, also, that many of you already suspected and have long loved me from a neuroaffirming place — often seemingly without effort. I’m so thankful.

As 40 opens its arms, I do realize I’m only just now learning how to do what you’ve already done: take me and my neurodiverse traits on their own terms more fully than ever before. I know it will be years before my whole story of self finds its regular rhythm like the clicking beads in a kaleidoscope falling into place with each turn. I’m okay with the process, but boy is it a PROCESS!

To help me understand my own story better, my only “birthday ask” is for y’all to share a video or voice recording of yourself, sharing your favorite memory with me. You can simply upload into this folder here. I’ll keep it open for the next month (and keep your sharing private to myself), And okay, because some people asked: there’s a gift wishlist here too (simply hit me up via hello@patricklyra.com if you need my PO Box).

Finally, to better share my story - I’m delighted to announce I’ve created a Patreon: Wilder Within. Simply click to hop on a waitlist and be one of my first potential patrons!

I couldn’t be more excited to go live this birthday month and share access to*:

• A “poetry syllabus of the month” featuring five poetry recommendations connected across a seasonal theme ($1/month).

• A monthly banned LGBTQIA2S+ book report livestream ($3/month).

• My classic “Friendly Neighborhood Therapist” chats on nuanced mental health topics reflecting my specializations in body-based therapy, LGBTQIA2S+ populations, early childhood development and more ($4/month).

• A bi-weekly Creative Community Zoom to regularly support your latest projects, writing, creations — you name it ($5/month).

• Access to the slow release of my first ever full poetry collection, The Wildest Mercy ($7/month).

• An in-the-works podcast!

  *Whatever level patrons may pick, automatic access to lower levels are granted at no extra charge.

Thanks for dropping by on my birthday! Feel free to reply with any of your own life updates via email (hello@patricklyra.com) above or via @WilderWithin on Instagram. I’d love to know how you are!

In whatever way we’ve interacted, know that my life has changed for the better from knowing you.

Thank you for all you are.

Blessings,